So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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