Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
