I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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