I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
