Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
