Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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