I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
