My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
