worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I am mentally ready for anal.
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