wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
