i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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