I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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