it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
