Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
