I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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