he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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