I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
