here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
i think i just lost a toe
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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