Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
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