piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
