Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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