I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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