I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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