So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
