My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
