I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
