Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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