I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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