I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
