Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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