Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He? As in you personified your dick?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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