If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
