i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
