if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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