Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
