Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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