I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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