After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
