Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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