mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
