My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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