well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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