I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
