Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
