It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
