Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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