So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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