After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
