Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
At least life still wants to fuck me.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
