The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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