Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Randomize
