Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
