glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
