Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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