My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
