i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
