You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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