Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
