In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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