Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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