True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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