I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
