I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
