I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize